What every working woman needs is… a wife

Working mothers everywhere need Alice, the housewife from The Brady Bunch - Alamy

Working mothers everywhere need Alice, the housewife from The Brady Bunch – Alamy

Working mothers juggle so much we could be in Cirque du Soleil.

Before marriage, I fancied being one of those rich women who could balance a checkbook with one hand and a baby with the other, while making a full gourmet meal for the kids plus their friends, although the larder was bare and all. in the fridge was some eczema cream and half a bulb of garlic.

But after tying the knot and throwing out a few sprogs, I quickly realized that if maternity was announced in an empty column, it would read: “Must be good at making interesting mince pies and finding lost gloves . Hours: constant. Free time: zero. Sick pay: none. Holiday pay: nothing – hell, no pay.” Would you take this job? I don’t think so. If only I had read the small print on my marriage license.

What I know now, 32 years later, is that a woman’s work is never done … not by men, anyway. A new study at Ohio State University supports my theory. Her detailed data shows that not only do women do most of the household chores, but working from home has further widened the gender divide by increasing the burden on women and making life easier for men.

Love, hoover and obey

Of course, the revelation that men believe in women’s wedding gifts that we will “Love, Hoover and Obey” is not news to working mothers. Taking a sweeping glance at a room is the closest most men come to doing housework, other than leaving a roasting pan to soak and looking thoughtfully at the laundry every now and then.

It is clear that what every working mother wants is a wife.

With a busy career, two small children, one of whom is autistic, and a workaholic husband, my skirts weren’t just dusty – they were soiled. Hiring a cleaner three times a week helped calm my domestic chaos, but it wasn’t enough.

Kathy Lette - Getty Images

Kathy Lette – Getty Images

Oh, how I envied the business women who were immaculately groomed who managed to juggle children and career without ever dropping anything. It took them a while to work out their little secret – a full-time housewife.

Do you remember Alice from The Brady Bunch? Imagine coming home from a hard day at the office to find her bustling around a spotless kitchen in a pan, wearing a school uniform and a casserole simmering…

But if you’re not in Downton Abbey, how on earth can you afford one? British domestic agency Greycoat Lumleys advertises the annual salary of a housekeeper as £33k-£45K for live-in and £40k for live-out.

The “do it all” drudge.

Many of my girlfriends who moved to Asian countries on short term job contracts stayed for years longer than they intended because of lower local wages they were able to provide full time family help.

And who can blame them? In Britain, the “have it all” superwoman has turned into the “do it all” drudge. All the working mothers I know are lurching from one wine-soaked nervous breakdown to another, leaving a trail of brooding, au-paired children in their wake, juggling parent/teacher meetings and diazepam overdoses and divorce lawyers because that their husbands are getting. affairs with childless women who do not have mispapa hands.

As a result, women’s life expectancy is decreasing and symptoms of stress, such as heart attacks, high blood pressure and alopecia, are increasing.

A Dunkirk evacuation would be easier to organize than a working mother getting her kids up and out of the house by 8am. When my children were of school age, one morning I was so tired I brushed my daughter’s teeth and flossed her hair, toasted my hand with strawberry jam and put it on my son’s plate. Many times I have thrown clothes into the washing machine – with the kids still in them.

Keeper of the dream house: The Brady Bunch devotee Alice Nelson - Alamy

Keeper of the dream house: The Brady Bunch devotee Alice Nelson – Alamy

In desperation, I broke the bank hiring a domestic help I found in the local paper. She came for three hours, three days a week. Oh the joy on those mornings when Jo walked into the house, full of energy and laughter. I would fall at her feet with relief. If I had to choose between my husband and my house help, there was no competition. I loved her until we die.

In the end, unfortunately, the cost was too much and I just had to learn how to love my skirt tops. But it is clearly in the Government’s interest that housekeepers be tax deductible. A report published by the British think tank Demos says that women enter the workforce in equal numbers in their 20s, men do better in their 30s, and then fall off the ladder when they have children.

The second glass ceiling

Highly qualified female employees are bleeding businesses because we are getting concussions from banging our heads on this “second glass ceiling” at home. The result is occupational coma, with 44 per cent of the women interviewed saying they would take the day off work if their child was unexpectedly ill and unable to go to school, while only 3 per cent said first that their husbands would do the same.

Undoubtedly women carry the mental load too – remembering to post birthday cards, book after-school activities, plan menus, sleepless nights, holidays, dental appointments and so on.

It would appear that the enlistment of labor on a maintenance basis is now banned in Britain, except in one state: the holy state of marriage. Not surprisingly, the Ohio study also confirmed that working away from home together leads to more conflict between couples regarding domestic responsibilities.

When faced with the tough wars, most husbands say they would like to help more around the house, but they can’t “multitask”. This is, of course, a biological cop-out. Can you imagine any man having trouble multitasking at, say, a ménage a trois?

Domestic blindness

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener – especially for the domestically blind. Another new study, from Cambridge, found that the reason women do most of the work at home is because men don’t see the mess.

I used to think that the ultimate proof of women’s superiority was that women live longer than men. But now I realize that’s usually men – leaving all the cleaning up to a woman.

But what females can’t understand is why a bloke can determine the exact miles-to-gallon ratio of a five-hour trip to the south of France, where he effortlessly finds the village remote fishing that is not even on a map – still possible.’ t find the mop, the toilet brush or the vacuum cleaner, which has been kept in the same place for some time, since, 20 years.

And even when men help out, it’s slapdash. Stacking a dishwasher in an unusual way, mixing the colors and whites in the washing machine, assuming that the toilet fairy changes the roll on the spindle… If a husband completes the most basic task, he demands endless praise .

The right kind of Iron Man

Women have been campaigning for many years for more equality in the workplace; we no longer want a man’s seat on the bus, we want his seat on the table. But for any woman who wants to have a FTSE 100 job and a family, I suggest you marry a man who likes to shop and joke.

Otherwise, it might be worth letting an unpleasant spouse know how much it would cost to replace you. The US Bureau of Labor Statistics has concluded that the drivers, nannies, counsellors, cooks and cleaners needed would cost around $150,000 (£125,000) a year.

It may also help to remind your husband that it is also scientifically proven that no woman has ever released her husband while vacating.

So guys, forget the appeal of biceps and triceps and pecs. The type of Iron Man that a busy mum fantasises about is the bloke with the laundry basket in one hand and a bottle of Mr Muscle in the other.

Get a beta block

In my experience there is no greater aphrodisiac than a man in a cooking apron. The way to a woman’s heart is definitely through her stomach; do not aim too high. What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast. But there is every chance that she would like to show her gratitude in a horizontal capacity.

Maybe there lies the solution to the hard wars? It would be a sensible move if most husbands vacuumed so thoroughly, skirt boards would be pulled right off the wall.

And if your husband doesn’t clean up his act, why not trade in your unfocused old alpha man for a younger, better beta?

When my husband and I separated, I chose beta block. He loves me, he doesn’t grab me and he does all my work for me… “wife” in other words. He is cooking dinner right now, which is why I have time to write this piece. I bet your appetite is whetted, ladies.

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